So… It’s almost been a year since my last post. I remember having this full on drive that made me feel like I could do it all. Work, write, be in a committed relationship, lose weight and all in all have a ton of new hobbies. Well, that didn’t happen. I did – on the other hand – have the time to conceive, throw up for a few months, worry, be happy, be involved in two car accidents and finally become a mom. Yes people, I am a mother. After a whole month I still can’t believe it. Seriously – me? Someone trusted me enough to make me take care of a poor innocent beautiful little being? Ok, that means that I can do it.
I can’t say that a buzz of happiness and utter joy went through me when I first saw my daughter. Actually, I had a rush of adrenaline that left me shaking like a leaf on a windy day for over two hours. Then there were a few hard days, a few good days, a few meh days and now I can say that it is starting to sink in. Meaning, I am gradually starting to forget life before Eliza and hoping for my speedy recovery that will enable me to show her the world as soon as possible. Also, I would love to get rid of that extra fat that I managed to accumulate pre and post-partum. That’s the thing. I LOVE food now. Especially doughnuts. I dream of doughnuts. Mmmm…Doughnuts.
Anyhow, I realise that my writing about becoming a parent will be less interesting for you if you are not a parent, a soon to be parent or just a baby enthusiast. But, I like to write about my life and at the moment, Eliza is my life. I wake up when she does, I sleep when she sleeps, I eat healthy (uhm…forget that thing about the doughnuts…) and drink a lot so that I have enough milk and in general… I am a milk factory obsessed with keeping track of peeing, pooping and feeding. I inevitably put on pause my life as a friend, as a lover…and my life as a fearful little girl. See, that is the thing – I don’t get to be the little girl anymore. Something perhaps most difficult to accept.
But aaaanyway, I wanted to write about some of motherhood’s little ironies that I have discovered so far. I am sure they will just keep on coming.
- The babyy bump – albeit very small at the beginning – that I was so eager to show off before … well, that turned into a floppy fat belly that I am desperate to hide. My C section completely messed up with my abs (well, my abdominal muscles) leaving me to wonder how to pull in my stomach. I still wear my pregnancy pants, which I am sure I will need to wear for a little while. But before I wore them with pride, now I wear them with shame. I know, I know..these things take time. Luckily I am very patient and dedicated. Not.
- Being pregnant was a blast. I will be honest, I don’t think I enjoyed it as much as I should have. I worried quite a lot, I was my old pessimistic self…and I needed to be reminded to be happy. But on the plus side I was told to rest a lot, no one looked at me funny when I said I wanted to go to sleep at 8PM and in general people were kind, understanding and curious. That was easy, the baby was still inside of me and all I needed to take care of was myself. So why the fuss? Now, I don’t get to sleep, I need to start doing house work, I have to take care of a newborn practically 24/7 and rarely someone asks me how I am doing. Today I told my father that I was tired and he asked me why. Hm, jeeze… I wonder, dad. Also, I am now really bitchy. And that is not really in my nature. On the plus side, I still have all my hair. Yay!
- I had really wanted ‘us two’ to become ‘us three’, but then I suddenly found myself missing my boyfriend. In one single day, our relationship changed dramatically. I wasn’t able to be focused solely on him and although he was around, at the grocery store or just in the other room … I missed him tremendously. I missed him with my whole body, my whole mind. I missed us and seemed to forget that I wanted something more. Now, I am starting to realise that there is an ‘us two’ even though we are three and I am sure that soon I will also remember that there is a ‘just me’.
- Although I am completely clueless about being a mother, I really don’t want any unsolicited advice. Deep down, I feel what I need to do and how I need to handle my kid. And someone doubting that or telling me to do things differently – well, it really pissed me off. Pediatricians excluded, obviously. I do want my child to live and become a strong woman. Kind of like me.
Well, the baby started crying now. My alone time is done. For now. God bless, I say in all irony.