We’ve Lost that Loving Feeling

Do you love yourself? Really?
Actually, I would love to know what that means and how it can be purposely achieved. I have heard on numerous occasions that I should love myself more or learn to love myself. And I often wonder if I should tell myself that I am great and wonderful every day? Should I admire myself in front of the mirror telling my reflection that it is beautiful? Should I give myself kisses and hugs? Isn’t that pretty much impossible? I am really confused. Honestly.

Obviously, I know that love goes deeper than the occasion compliment and it is most definitely not skin deep. So what is this mysterious condition for a supposedly happy life? Just the other day I was walking around town and I saw a young man with his headphones on, sitting by the table beside me was a girl playing with her iPhone. They were both alone, both occupied with some machinery. I see this all the time and I bet you do too. Actually, I do the exact same thing whenever I am alone. And then it hit me! Members of our generations absolutely hate spending time with themselves. It is horrifying. Having to spend an hour alone with our thoughts (no Facebook, no music, no talking on the phone, no work and no book – yeah, books too) seems pretty much unfathomable. Inevitably I though of the good old times when you couldn’t stick a musical plug into your ear or call your BFF so that you didn’t have to think about things that might actually matter. Imagine, back then people would actually sit on a bus for three hours and have nothing but their own company. It wasn’t awkward, it was normal. If your friend was late to meet you, you would sit there. That’s it. We don’t like ourselves anymore, it seems. We’re not fun to be with. We are boring. Or perhaps we are just too lazy to have to be with the one person that count’s the most. You know, the one person that will literally stick to you for better or for worse (because it has no other option).

I can’t help but wonder…is it all lost, though? Don’t get me wrong, I still know people who are perfectly satisfied with going out for a drink on their own, or going to sit on a bench in the park to enjoy the nature. I am not part of those people and I must admit that I envy them. I find it ironic in a way…how at the same time we manage to be absolutely preoccupied by our own lives. It is messed up.

What is even more sad is the story I heard the other day. A woman who I know got dizzy and fell down on a busy walking street and absolutely no one came to help her. There she was, on the concrete… and from what I imagine people had to step over her to get by. I guess I don’t even need to mention how way too few people stop to ask if they can help whenever there is an accident of some sort on the road. We rather drive by, forget it and blame it on the good old ‘what could I have done to help, anyway?’. The moral of this story is that what is almost as sad as not loving ourselves is not loving our fellow human beings. We are becoming a bunch of selfish, self involved and boring people. Actually, no wonder we think that we’re no fun.

I don’t know what the future brings, with all the technology that is slowly taking over real human interaction I fear that we are on the way to becoming social cripples…but then again..our narcicistic souls might guide us out of the ditch that we are bound to fall in. For now, what can we do to save ourselves? I guess a good start is to go out for a walk and leave all iStuff at home. If you can go an hour without freaking out..they you might be just fine. If not…well then use that phone to call an ambulance for someone who might need it. And for god’s sake…pick someone up if they fall.

Emotional Gluttony

If I were a believer, the sin I would be most haunted by would be gluttony. You see, I like to overdo stuff. When I love something, I really love it…when something makes me sad, I am devastated. The list could go on. I admit it, I am an emotional glutton. Actually, as a hobby, I also like to eat. Sometimes a lot.

About a month ago I went on this low carb diet that really forced me to look at food differently. About what to have for breakfast, what to eat for lunch … and most importantly how to dose it. I think I was most offended when the nutritionist told me: try not to see food as a source of pleasure, see it as the fuel that keeps you going. What? I still don’t quite get it. I think I have always seen food as a gift from above. the fact that it somehow nourishes us is just a friendly bonus. Changing my perspective was challenging to say the least and to tell you the truth, it made me feel quite depressed. Luckily, humans are extremely adjustable creatures and I learned that this kind of sadness is everyday life for most of you. What happened when I really liked something that I tasted, you are surely asking yourself? Well, I went all the way. Man, if I had a penny for every time I felt ill after chewing a whole pack of strawberry chewing gums, eating a whole Pavlova cake… well, I would be well off.

Coincidentally (but to no surprise) I tend to do the same with emotions…and dare I say people. the few times that I fell in love, not being able to consume the object of my affection and carry him with me all the time was pure horror. A seeker of attention, I was insatiable. By wanting to get more, I gave more…and this is a deceptive viscous circle. You end up giving away too much of yourself and you get lost. You risk disappearing into someone else…and if they ever go away for whatever reason…well, what are you left with? Having yourself is the only certainty we have in life. Sad but true, my friends.  The good news here is that with the right help, with the right person, with the right time…you learn to dose your emotions and can actually take a step back from the neurosis without taking away from the beauty of whatever you are feeling. Even though being highly emotional and sensitive is great (or extremely horrible), turning on your ratio puts a whole new life to it.

I remember my mom once told me that I always tend to do things that burn my wings. I said that I don’t care…because it at least means that I fly for even a little while. So, here is to flying! Even though I really hate to. But…that’s already a different story.

By the way. I missed you. Have you missed me?

Pairs

If you know me, you will now that I am sort of a romantic person. If you really know me, you will say that I am hopelessly romantic. Note: this means that I am really naive when it comes to tales of the heart. It is my blessing and my curse.

You will also know that I have been madly in love for some time now. Sometimes the accent is really on the ‘madly’. Loving and being loved can be the most unbelievable feeling in the world…and at the same time it can be the most terrifying of them all. Once you know that you adore what you have, well, then you know that you can lose what you adore. The moments where we manage to forget this nonesense..well, those are the moments of bliss worth living for.

Just the other day I started thinking about pairs. See, much of what makes us comes in pairs. We have two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears, two kidneys, the lung wings…and the list goes on. They support each other and do their best if one of them fails. They possibly can survive, but it is a difficult process. So, a lot of what constitutes us needs some sort of support. But look here! We only have one heart. And this is where I will skip the part of why love is linked to our blood pumping organ (because I honestly have no idea how it came to be)…but it is the organ that gives us rhythm, it gives us a daily reminder that we are alive. It changes pace when we are happy, sad…tired or excited. I believe I have woken up the romantic part of me and it says: we need another heart to keep us going. We need some sort of other daily reminder that we are alive and that it’s not all rubbish. What we will not find within ourselves, we will look for in someone else. In some sort of way, this is terribly selfish. But in another sense, it seems perfectly normal.

If you didn’t know me…Well, you have just met me. And for your info- the two hearts on this post’s photo…they’re actually cake.

How Fragile We Are

I have been gone for a while and have missed (b)logging onto this site and writing. Writing what I like to think about, what moves me and what scares me. About what I love, about what I hope to become.

A lot has happened since my last post. We are now in a new year and this new year has unfortunately brought with it a deep loss that I can’t seem to make sense of. On January 16th the world lost a beautiful young person, it lost Barbara. Barbara was the daughter of my so-called surrogate mom. She was smart, kind and always positive. She was the friend with whom I would always only speak about meeting up with, but rarely managed to find the time. Unfortunately. I could go on about many things here: about injustice, about how terrible it must be for a parent to lose a child…about death. I have gone through many of these themes in the last five weeks, but it doesn’t really help anyone.

I came to realise once again how fragile we are. We don’t come with a guarantee that everything will always be fine. We are delicate creatures whose lives are more of a blessing than a right. We actually never know what is around the corner, but I think the trick is in expecting the best and not the worst. I have read recently that you can only start really enjoying life once you lose your fear of death. I would have to agree with that. It is an inevitable end…and the time until then is ours to manage. We might waste it or we might find a way to make it meaningful. In our own way.

Honestly, I am more of the kind who spirals downwards and not up in such situations. I hope, like I have before, that epiphany is the first step towards change.

Because I don’t know what else to write, I will say the obvious. Rest in peace, Barbi.

And for all of you: wake up!

And then Life Happens

I have had trouble accepting that things change for as long as I can remember. If I could, I guess I would have stayed a little girl forever. Eager to grow up, yet too frightened to face it. And then, as it goes for all of us – life happens. We are faced with more and more decisions, responsibility and soon we discover that we are individuals sent out to the world to discover their own purpose. Mind you, few of us really find it.

When life happens we might lose some people. We might fall apart, distance ourselves or we simply stop caring. But we also come across new individuals who enrich is in their unique way. You know, not all important people are meant to stay in your life forever. Sometimes they are just a sign, a warning…but never a mistake.

As individuals caught up in a societal life we obviously feel a great need to connect with the people around us. Whether they are friends, lovers or mere acquaintances that help you cross some sort of obstacle, we have the tendency to get attached. Because, truth be told, company is awesome. Most of all, company deprives us that awful feeling of loneliness…and most importantly, it rids us of most of our scary thoughts. Dark thoughts about the future, life and of course, death. You know what the awful truth about this is? We will have to face all of these things sooner or later and the sad thing is that we tend to worry about them too soon. Like, why should I worry about my own death now? It kind of seems pointless. Or why should I worry about ending up lonely if I have a lovely and loving boyfriend? Fear is a terribly strong force. Even though I do it all the time, I think wasting time worrying about something that has not yet happened is a real shame. We let those perfectly good seconds go by…those seconds that we might one day kill for. I am sure we do it out of protection though. You know, we make up bad scenarios now so that we will be emotionally, physically and mentally ready. I don’t think we ever can really be so ready though. No mental scenario can ever prepare us for the real thing. Whether it is good or bad…we’ll just have to wait and see.

Also, remember: if you might ever think that the worst is yet to come (I know I sometimes do)…the good is also out there and come think of it, there is probably more good than bad.

I think what I am trying to say is that life will happen no matter what. Lets just go with the flow. And please – keep trying. Try for the things you care for…and most importantly, try for the people you love. And yes, that includes yourself.

Time Flies

They pass so fast. Those moments that we wish could last, that is. Like that last swim in the sea before it is time to go home, that last day after which we know for sure that life will change, like that first kiss or even more the last one. These moments are all so precious for that same reason, because we know that they are like water in the palms of our hands,  slipping slowly through our fingers  before we get the chance to make a good sip.

My life has taught me this, that small beauties are not for the slow or ungrateful. They are for those who appreciate them for what they are. Looking back, I remember such moments  with great precision…and for a very good reason. My family moved to Denmark at an age when I was particularly attached to my surrounding. Going home from my goodbye party, knowing that I am about to undertake a road that I have neither chosen or wished for…I decided to memorize every step of my route. Believe it or not, I still remember it clearly today. The stairs of the club, the red car at the entry, the smell of the taxi, the 2:01 time in the car….Ironically, my stay in Denmark proved to be one of the most rewarding periods of my life. Leaving our Copenhagen family house for the last time, I decided to remember once again every single view, every single step and every single feeling. Sometimes, even today..a decade later, I can retrace all of those little details that I took with me that day.

True, I sometimes chose to remember events that I later decided to forget…but that’s just the beauty of it all. We create our own thoughts, thus we create our own memories. Today I am aware of that fact that the most beautiful things in life are not meant to last forever. It is however in our power to look for these beauties of life wherever we go, whatever we do. To invite them to come to us as often as possible.

Just the other day I visited one of Corfu’s most beautiful beaches. The violent wind seemed to upset the sea that sent its army of waves crushing to the shore, raising the sand and brushing our hair with salt and redemption. Standing knee-high in the golden sand, in the sea that seemed to want to eject me… I turned to the shore and looked into the blue eyes that I have come to know so well. And I thought… We only have so little time on earth, so brief it sometimes seems absurd to think about. We are a gift to ourselves…and if we are lucky, a gift for someone else. Sadly, we manage to ignore this way too often…and get lost in the turmoil of our mind. Looking past this almost feels like lurking out of our shell for an instant and getting a smack of ecstasy straight in our face. Good grief…it feels good! Right then, I felt honoured to be there…and blessed to have the love of a man who never ceases to be amazed by the colouring of the sky at the end of the day, by the wrinkles on someone’s face, by my black pencil skirt and by all the things that we all seem to take for granted. He gets excited by the size of a potato chip, my constant hiccups…or most important of all…by the kindness of others.

Lying in my sleeping bag on the deck of a ferry that will take us home, away from our seven days in Greece… I glance at him across my computer and see him reading The Great Gatsby. This one will go straight into my treasury of memories. I think that is what some may choose to call our soul.

Good night!

Long Live the Bride and Groom

Last week-end the band that I am in played at the wedding of our djembe player. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a wedding and since I was surprisingly quite relaxed, I began to think of all the moments in our lives that are sometimes acceptable and other times not. It says that humans are actually all hypocrites…but most importantly it tells us that we are constantly following some rules…whether we are aware of it or not.

What I am tryin to get ot is this. There is this game during Slovenian wedding where the guests knock on their glasses with a spoon or fork…making this terribly annoying sound which informs the bride and groom that they have to kiss.There is probably no need to point out that the more the evening progresses, the more kissing there is. When the couple kisses everyone sighs and applauds. The cynic in me couldn’t keep quiet and I asked…how come we’re all clapping happily today – but if these two would have been making out in a restaurant (exactly like the one they were kissing in today) just two days ago…the majority of the people would have found it vulgar and improper. Later on, everyone cheered if the couple ever hinted to sex or made a move which implied eroticism. “They’re married, it’s normal.” Funny, isn’t it? There is a Christian in each and every one of us, it seems.

Bless our hearts!

 

To Be Alone

I remember hearing that one can feel alone in a crowded room and that is when I realised that there is a great gap between the mental and physical notion of being alone. We all feel them both, it is inevitable and completely natural – yet so feared. The horrific ‘what if I end up alone?’ is the top horror story of our era. I went through that phase and after a while I found it quite comfortable. Sure, I had no one special to depend on – but on the other hand, no one depended on me and that gives a sense of freedom that is both extremely satisfying and confusing at the same time. Actually, it often happened that I felt alone even when I was in a romantic relationship of some sort. I think it is because I never really felt loved. Not the way I wanted to be loved, that is for sure.

Doing research for this little long overdue blog post, I found a quote: I am never alone because loneliness is always with me. Although semantically correct, it is one of the most depressing things I have ever read. I almost feel sorry for myself for writing it down. Then I remembered that humans are extremely pathetic beings and we will always find a reason to feel blue, because in some twisted way it feels good. Sometimes feeling blank is the most satisfying of all options.

Actually, I wanted to write about an interesting phenomenon that I have come across over the years. Here comes the truth. It takes us a long time to realise what it means to be alone, how to find ways of enjoying it…but then, when you find your most desirable type of company…you forget about being alone in a second. And then, if you find yourself all on your own again…you feel completely lost. Is this too confusing? I think it is. Let me explain a bit more. So, I had finally gotten used to the idea that I am a whole all to myself and that the purpose of life is not finding someone who completes me. The real goal is to complete ourselves and then find someone who we can share this treasure with. But somewhere along the way, I met a man who does indeed feel like the exact missing piece to my puzzle…and then, I forgot all about my quests of becoming a self loving individual. Consequently, that makes the moments of ‘alone time’ ever harder to bear. It is then that I realise that knowing how to be alone is a very precious skill and comes in handy on many occasions. After all, just like we came into this world alone – we will also be leaving it in the exact same manner. Life is one one-way ticket. No amount of love will ever change that, it will however make the trip way more enjoyable.

Also, I now know that even if I feel alone, I am never lonely. That is as good as it gets.

 

 

A page

Today is going to be a bit different because I will link you to a page, okay?

My blog muse, Andrei, asked me to contribute a four piece story for the page he and his friends are running. I love the idea and mostly, I love that I get to share what I write with so many people.

The idea of ‘the fellowship’ is to write fours blog entries or lets say essays. I wanted it to make sense…some sort of consecutive order and an all together final image. I wanted it to be about all of us, about me, about life…and I wanted it to catch a life of its own. Hopefully. That is how I decided to write about four things that concern us all…and the little things that happen in between. So, I will write about birth, growing up, getting old…and the last chapter will logically be about death.

I wrote one piece already and am really looking forward to writing the other three.

So thanks to all the people who read my blog, you inspire me to do this. Big thanks to my lovely friends who make me think differently … and thank you to my special K who makes me feel like a whole new woman. Which can sorta be confusing :). Well, at the end of the day, love makes it all better.

Oh, almost forgot – this is what I have written so far. You can check it out HERE.

Blast From the Past

Sometimes I make sense and if I think hard enough, I even get to make sense to myself. I once wrote that the faster you run away from your problems, the more time it will take you to get back to them..and you will need to return to them. Sooner or later. That is just something that is so easy to do, right? Running away, I mean. Making a cut and moving on, not dealing with anything and only thinking of going further. And then one fine day, you hear that little knock in your head…or you might run into someone and suddenly the utopia you live in is endangered. And you are, once again faced with a problem that you left to linger.

Funny, I know that that happens and I always knew that the bridges I have burned will come back to haunt me. However, I never thought they’d all come knocking at once. Interesting how in just this past week so many people who I have in one way or another pushed out of my life…have come back to make peace. It got me thinking that sometimes we too need to take those skeletons out of our closet and see if it even makes sense to keep them in there. After all, looking at it realistically, they are taking up too much space and there comes a time when it is just best to let go.

You know what? It is actually not so hard to do. It  brings a kind of satisfaction that you can only get from within yourself. Most importantly, I think it brings you closer to your true self. We need to lose the baggage if we want to go higher. Bless our hearts.